Thursday, January 22, 2009

Do you ever feel......

...Like everything is against you?

Like nothing can go your way?

Like someone is trying to tell you something?

That's me today.

I've been involved in something for the past year and a half. And NOTHING has gone right.

Every time I turn around, another brick wall is thrown up in my path.

Another issue develops that just beats me down.

I'm beyond reason at this point.

I'm defeated.

I've done what I can and it's not enough.

It's straining my mental health.

It's affecting my marriage.

It's turning me into a person I don't like.

One that doesn't sleep.

One who's mind is constantly racing to find answers.

One who is worried that I'm leading my family down the wrong path and getting us into a situation that will one day come back and bite me in the behind.

One who's snappy with everyone (although given my impatient personality, it's possible no one has noticed).

I always thought that if you worked hard. paid your bills, were frugal with your money, were a good person, were responsible, weren't frivolous, made plans, plans, PLANS, anticipated the worst and tried your hardest, you'd be OK.

Apparently that's not the case. You have to work harder, try harder, DO MORE.

And some things are completely out of your control.

I've been told I have control issues before, and I never REALLY believed it, until now.

Lest you think the worst, please let me say that I am not sick (nor is anyone in my family that I know of), not in danger of bankruptcy, not in danger of foreclosure (if you knew me, you'd know how conservative I am with money and would know that is NOT something that I would take lightly or let happen), and haven't broken any laws. This is just a life decision that isn't as easy as I once thought it would be. The economy, the real estate market, and a host of other issues are not on my side at the moment.

I now have to take a step back, let the chips fall where they may, and accept what fate has in store for me and my family.

I'm not a religious person by definition - I don't go to church, I have my issues with the Bible (it's an historical document written in the perspective of the author and I'm sorry, but I can't blindly take those words at face value - God made us living, thinking human beings - if he didn't want us to question things, he wouldn't have given us that ability. I'm getting off my soapbox now).

But I DO believe in God.

And I pray. And I ask Him questions. And, quite frankly, I wonder what he does up there.

So, even though it is totally against my nature, my logic and my very being, I have to leave this up to Him. It will either work out - or it won't. I KNOW that I have done everything I can - and more. It's truly out of my hands. And if things don't go as planned, well...I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

So there you have it.

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