Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The first day of school.....

Well, I started Grad School Monday night. Everyone keeps asking me "How did it go?" "How was it?" "How do you like it?"

The truth is, it's so overwhelming that I don't really feel anything.....

I have been working towards this program for more than five years, since I first learned of it while cruising the Internet trying to figure out what to do with my life once I finished my Bachelors. At the time, I still had several years to go at UMUC and the thought of this program - like a carrot dangling at the end of a very long stick - kept me motivated to plow through my undergrad with the best possible grades I could get - and it worked. After several visits to JHU I finally applied and lo and behold was accepted. It's what I have been working for all these years. It's what I have wanted all these years. I cried when I found out I was in. I just can't figure out why I am so "blah" about it now that I am there.

Don't get me wrong, I love telling people where I am getting my education and I am excited about the program, but I feel so out of my league that I am beginning to have doubts about whether or not I can do this. I was so nervous on Monday I felt like puking all day. My hands shook and my breathing got faster the closer I got to Baltimore Monday afternoon. And then to sit in that class with 20 other people and hear that they were lawyers, CPAs and engineers - my heart felt like it dropped into my stomach. I'm just a secretary. Well, a paralegal, but basically a glorified secretary. I was a little embarrassed when I had to introduce myself. I imagined everyone around me smirking and rolling their eyes saying "What is SHE doing here?" It was like I was back in high school on my first day at a new school with no friends, trying to figure out where and how I would fit in...would these people think I was good enough? Would I be able to show them I AM good enough? Will everyone laugh at me if I open my mouth and say something stupid or ask a dumb question to which everyone else will surely already know the answer because they are smarter than me?

I guess this just goes to show that it doesn't matter if you are 7 and starting a new school (like my daughter did this year) or 37 - the fears and insecurities are the same. I just hope it gets easier......and I hope I can do this.

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