Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Good Morning Hormonal!!

Once every few weeks I receive a "visit".

This is not a welcome visit, as it turns me into a moody, cantankerous, bitchy shadow of my former self. Know what I mean?

Over the years I have had a number of wide ranging feelings about this visit.

As a young girl:

"FINALLY! I got it!!"

As an older teenaged girl, with a steady, long term boyfriend:

"Thank GOD! I got it!!"

As a single young lady with NO boyfriend:

"Oh right. THAT. Great. Bring on the Advil and pass me a drink."

As a young wife trying to start a family:

"Damn. It's here."

And now, as a woman who is older and already has two gorgeous children:


You get the point.

It used to be that I only received one visitor. As I get older, this visitor gets more comfortable, stopping by more often and staying longer...and she has decided to bring her friends.

Her friends make me moodier (if that's possible). They keep me up all night (hello insomnia!). And, they stress me out because they bring with them all the unreasonable worries that I manage to suppress when they aren't here (Am I doing right by my kids? What if something happens to them? What if something happens to me? Did I remember to let the dogs in? Did I answer that question on my exam as well as I could have? Oh jeez, remember how I was mean to that kid who spit milk on me in third grade? I should have apologized to him - I probably scarred him for life.....What would happen if the banks fail tomorrow and all of our money is lost and I need to buy milk for the kids - I need to keep cash in the house - I better talk to Brian about this - should I wake him? Will I ever get to sleep? I need to start taking care of myself better. Maybe I should start a list of the things I need to do around the house this weekend.)

And on....and on....and on.....

I get dark circles under my eyes due to the anemia I'm surely suffering, along with a lack of sleep. I get headaches. I have no energy. My clothes don't fit due to the three or four pounds I gain and I feel gross. My face breaks out much like that of a 16 year old girl the night before prom. My mouth permanently turns down at the corners. My forehead creases in the middle as I frown with worry. My patience level - not very good to begin with - becomes non-existent and God help the person in front of me in the grocery store who has 16 items in the 15 item express lane, while I only have 1. My mind won't focus on anything for than 60 seconds before it wanders off. My sarcastic tongue becomes deadly as I viciously bark out whatever nasty comment comes to mind when someone looks at me the wrong way. Or, I cry - I never can predict which will happen.

As I get older, it gets worse. I'm gettin' a little tired of it to tell you the truth. I'm thinking of having these impostors evicted - never to return. At the very least, they need to go before my daughters start getting visits. And poor Brian. He's going to have to get an apartment as a safe haven once the girls are older. That man will never survive in a house with three women who are all hormonal at the same time. He should probably take the dogs too, since any male will probably be in danger during those times - human or canine.

Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to pop some Advil.

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